Addiction To Venting

"How typically does this occur?" I asked her.

"Oh, fairly usually. At least each and every couple of weeks."

"Why do you continue to listen to her?"

"Isn't that what a great buddy does?"

"How do you feel when you listen to her?"

"Sort of stressed."

"Do you see it helping her to vent to...

"I was up also late with my friend Peg last night," Abigail told me in our phone session. "She was needing to vent. Then I had a issue falling asleep, but at least I was there for her."

"How usually does this occur?" I asked her.

"Oh, relatively typically. At least every couple of weeks."

"Why do you continue to listen to her?"

"Isn't that what a great friend does?"

"How do you really feel when you listen to her?"

"Kind of stressed."

"Do you see it helping her to vent to you more than and more than?'

"Nicely, she says she feels much better immediately after I listen to her."

"Of course she check this out feels much better! She has just dumped all her stress onto you. She goes to sleep and you are up with her anxiety. But do you see something really altering in her life as a outcome of you allowing her to vent to you?"

"No!"

"Abigail, if what Peg wanted to do each couple of weeks was come more than and get drunk at your residence, would you enable this?"

"No! But that is diverse."

"It is not distinct. Peg is making use of venting as an addiction to steer clear of taking responsibility for her feelings. She is not spending the time with you exploring what she is performing that is producing her upsets. She is not studying about what she can do differently so that she does not reach the point of anger and anxiety that she then dumps on you. There is no learning or modify taking place. And, your tension in response to the venting, is letting you know that listening to this is not great for you either."

"I have had a feeling that this was not working effectively for me, but I do not know what to do. Peg is my good friend and I dont want to let her down. What can I say to her?"

"Properly, how about, 'Peg, I know that when you vent and I listen to you, you really feel far better for awhile. But I finish up feeling worse. I love you and I want to be here for you, but it appears to me that the venting is not acquiring you anyplace that is it an addiction just like utilizing sugar to feel better for the moment but not genuinely dealing with the situation. I'm right here for you if you want find out more actual support in dealing with the problems, but I don't want to be at the other end of your venting any far more.' Is that something you would be prepared to say?"

"I believe so. But she may be mad at me."

"Yes, she most likely will be mad at you. Most men and women do not like it when a person calls them on their addictions and refuses to participate in them any longer. Are you prepared to have her mad at you? Definitely listening to her vent is not loving to yourself, and consequently not loving to her. It is far much more loving to each of you for you to stop enabling her addiction, even if she doesn't believe so."

"I know this is what I want to do. But what if she doesn't want to be pals with me any longer?"

"Abigail, what would this tell you about the friendship and about her caring for you?"

"I guess it would tell me that she is employing me rather than truly caring about me and our friendship."

"Correct. If she pulls out of the friendship because you do not want to listen to her vent, then she is not really a friend. It indicates that she want to go on being a victim, not taking responsibility for herself and dumping her feelings onto you."

"Okay, I am going to do this. I am at the point exactly where I want buddies who are understanding and expanding, not friends who are click this link being victims. I guess I have absolutely nothing to lose, and I will get a lot more sleep!"